sudo life

This post concerns a curious bible story, found in the book of Mark:

Mark 11:12-14

¹²The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. ¹³Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. ¹⁴Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his disciples heard him say it.

Mark 11:20-25

²⁰In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. ²¹Peter remembered and said to Jesus, “Rabbi, look! The fig tree you cursed has withered!”

²²“Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. ²³“I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. ²⁴Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. ²⁵And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

Christians tend to look at this story as a lesson in faith.  While verse 24 is quoted often as an example to live up to in faith, I think there is another way to read this story.  It is a retelling of the original downfall of mankind according to Genesis.  The key fact that makes it so is that the fig tree wasn’t in season, something the story points out explicitly.   Jesus cursed it for not bearing fruit when it supposed to have no fruit.  There was no way the fig tree could have behaved any differently.

This parallels nicely the story of man’s downfall in Genesis.  God created Adam and Eve and told them not to eat of the tree of knowledge.  But without the knowledge the tree provided, how were they to know that was wrong to disobey?  How would they know that it was wrong to indulge curiosity?  Their ignorance secured in their creation, they acted in the manner that they were created.  God was not pleased, and he cursed them.

Christians read the story of the downfall as a lesson in disobedience, but I must disagree.  The actions of god in this case are mirrored by the actions of jesus: a curse on his creation for the way he created them!

Theology christianity

Hulu recently made Carl Sagan‘s famous PBS documentary series Cosmos available for free viewing online.  If you’ve never seen it, I highly recommend watching it.  It is the best documentary series I’ve ever seen, and for me, it was a complete life changer.  There is a moment in the last episode of the series that completely shattered some cognitive dissonance that had been building up for months: the amount of evidence for evolution, versus my dogmatic rejection of it.  The moment is just a simple statement:  “[we] accepted the products of science, but not it’s methods.”  The intensity I felt in that moment has been rarely replicated.  It perfectly described my actions in a way that was undeniable, but also provided the solution: drop my dogmatic beliefs in favor of evidence based knowledge.

Since that time, I sometimes forget what it’s like for people who reject evolution.  Sometimes, as hard as it is to believe, I forget that anyone actually rejects evolution.  It’s so obvious to me now, that I forge that there are other perspectives out there.  There are probably many causes for this, but there is one that I want to focus on for this post:  Nearly everyone benefitting from modern technology has implicitly accepted evolution.

The theory of evolution was a breakthrough of truly monumental proportions, and today, it’s applications have extended well beyond just academic biology.  For example, it’s used in forensic science to help solve crimes.  How many people accept DNA evidence, but don’t realize that without the theory of evolution, we wouldn’t be able to analyze DNA?  How many people use materials everyday that were designed using principals derived from the theory of evolution?

How many people wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for the theory of evolution?  Modern medicine depends on an understanding of evolution.  If the theory of evolution didn’t accurately reflect reality, modern medicine would not be successful at all.  Instead, we see life expectancy growing at an exponential rate.

Shouldn’t someone who truly believes evolution wrong and even evil, reject all these things? If they’re truly dedicated to their beliefs, they should.  Instead, we see their rational side appear when they need it.  If they’re sick, they ignore the man behind the curtain, and implicitly accept the benefits of evidence-based knowledge.  Next time I’m pulled back down to earth by someone who doesn’t believe in evolution, I just want to ask them this:  then why do you accept it’s products?

Science biology, christianity, evolution, medicine, Philosophy

It was once nearly universal that people believed that god existed, and that without god, life would be chaos.  That time is in the past.  Recent data has shown that somewhere between fifteen and twenty percent of americans are non-religious, placing this group in second place in terms of population.  Only Christianity as a group can claim higher numbers.  But that’s tricky, because Christians are great at fighting between themselves.  Are the Catholics really Christians?  How about Calvinists?  Or Mormons?  Or Fundamentalist? Or evangelicals?  When you break down Christianity into incompatible subgroups that love to hate each other, the non-religious numbers more than many of them.  There’s all sorts of interesting things to consider about these statistics, but I’ll have to take those up in another post.  This post it aimed at posing a simple question:

In a nation where around one out of every six people are non-religious, why are things as ordered as they are?

While you’re thinking about that, consider these numbers as well.  If you don’t want to take the time to read it, it talks about the disparity between the religious percentages in society and in prison.  Outside of prison, the non-religious number one out of six.  Inside prison, the non-religious number around one in 500.  If it’s true that non-belief leads to chaos and anarchy, why aren’t the prisons overflowing with the non-religious?  Why are our prisons instead overflowing with people who claim belief in god?

Another example is Norway.  Norway is over 70% atheist.  According to the theory that god is necessary for morality and meaning, we would expect Norway to be anarchy and a hell hole.  But that is not the case.  Norway is one of the most responsible and peaceful nations in the world.   The hypothesis that god is necessary for morality and meaning is falsified by this evidence.

The fact of the matter is that god is not necessary for living a moral and meaningful life.

Is god necessary for you to love your family?  If you discovered that god did not exist, would you suddenly hate your wife, your husband, your sister, or your brother?  How about your children?  Would you kick them to the curb if you discovered Richard Dawkins is correct, and god was only a delusion?

Would you find your hobbies suddenly unfulfilling?  Would fishing become a chore?  Or hiking?  Or watching your favorite sports team?

Would you no longer donate to charity?  Would you ignore someone broken down on the side of the road?  Would you decide not to help your neighbor change their tire?

Would you decide that it’s now okay to steal whatever you want, to rape and murder whoever you want?

If you’re anything like everyone I know, your answer to every one of those questions is ‘no.’  And that’s my point.  God isn’t necessary for any of those things.  So let’s stop pretending that it is.  I know how the religious are stuck to their beliefs, but please, why don’t you reconsider this particular belief.

Atheism christianity, morality, Philosophy

In the last month, I’ve heard several different people talking about The Shack, a book that supposedly has new ideas about god and what it means to have a relationship with it.  Last night, a friend loaned me his copy, and I sat down and read it.  At right around 250 pages, it’s a quick read, although the writing itself is not high quality.  For those of you in the know, think “Twilight.”  The writing is self-important, predictable, cheesy, and only thing good I can really say about it is that it’s sincere.  I don’t know how old the author is, but this is the level of writing I would expect from a junior high or high school student.

As for the content, there is nothing that’s really ‘new’ in this book.  It’s basically an anarchist’s reinterpretation of christianity using new age ideas.  The main theme is an attempt to solve the problem of evil by using an appeal to emotion.  There is nothing in the way of evidence or reason offered, and many parts of the book can be considered anti-intellectual.  The parts where it did mention something scientific, the author got it horribly wrong, including a bungling of quantum mechanics (to be fair, though, who doesn’t bungle quantum mechanics?), and the continuation of the idea of mind / brain dualism.

Important issues were brought up by the protaganist in the book.  The doctrine of original sin is re-interpreted as ‘humans wanting their independence and getting it.’  To his credit, the author seems to skirt the issue of hell, and seems to imply that everyone goes to heaven no matter what, and holds to the idea that justice and grace are completely incompatible.  That is a refreshing view from a christian, but nothing life-shattering.

Over all, I have to say this book really isn’t worth reading.  My evening would have been better spent finishing up Proust was a Neuroscientist (review to be posted soon).

Theology Book Reviews, christianity

A few days ago I was experiencing some trouble with my installation of Firefox, so I went through the process of completely uninstalling it so I could then reinstall it.  This easily morphed into a cleanup of my entire work system (of course this was on my work computer running vista and not on my mac).  In any case there were several programs installed that I just wasn’t using any more and files that needed to be deleted, et cetera, so I got with it.  I noticed that MSN Messenger was automatically loading during startup, and I didn’t want this, so I looked for a way to remove this behavior.  This involved signing into the system.  Immediately upon signing in, I received a text message from someone who I thought was an old friend.  The following is a transcript of the conversation:

oldfriend says:  Sup!
Josh says:  hey man!  what’s up?
oldfriend says: Sang your song last week.

At this point, I’m thinking “What in the world?…”

oldfriend says: Still hits home when I sing it.
Josh says: which song is that?
oldfriend says: “Our God is powerfull, our God is wonderful…”
oldfriend says: That one.

Okay, now I remember.  See, when I was still a christian, I used to write worship songs.  I’m a musician, so what else would I do?  This particular song happened to be the only one that other people actually liked.  This was because I took the best music I had written on my own at that time and adapted it into a worship song.  How embarrassing is that?  It’s too bad because this music could have been used for something much greater.  At least there is no danger of making that particular mistake again.

Music christianity, composing

“But Science doesn’t have all the the answer, you know”

I’ve been told this so many times, usually by Christians trying to convert me back to Christianity. I usually respond with something along the lines of ‘who says it needs to?’ but today, I’ve been reading something that has changed my perspective on this a bit.

For the first time, I really understand that these people think I’ve made science my ‘religion’ of sorts. This idea was so absurd to me that I never really gave it that much weight. Science as a religion? It’s crazy! Science is the opposite of everything religion is.

But the statement is pretty crazy with that even. It implies that where science fails to answer some questions, Christianity succeeds. This is simply not the case, unless you find the answer ‘god did it’ satisfying. It doesn’t satisfy me at all; in fact, it only leads to more questions, questions that have no answers.

Yes, science leaves us full of questions, and the more we learn about the universe, the more questions we have, and the more complicated they become. This is across all people, though. Science applies to every one. Being a Christian, or being a member of some other religion doesn’t make science ‘false.’ No matter your beliefs, the questions of science are equally valid due to it’s objective nature.

Thus the problem is revealed. Even if I did become a Christian again, I would only add to the questions I already had, questions that can’t be answered. Why would I want to muddle my life like that? Why would I want to split my attention like that? No thanks.

Their objection regarding the answers science hold fails.

Philosophy Atheism, christianity, Science

possummomma talks about questioning your faith:

Is this really what theists are imagining when they say they’ve “questioned their faith”? I ask this sincerely because, if so, then this explains why so many theists will make the argument that atheists have become unhappy with God or angered by God. Is it really accurate for them to say that they’ve “questioned their faith”?

She’s refering to an article about a woman who is talking about her faith after her daughter was abducted. A very difficult situation, I have no doubt about that. The woman says:

Kate McCann said fear about what might have happened to Madeleine, who was taken from her bed in the family’s holiday apartment 102 days ago, led her to question her belief in God. “You find yourself asking, ‘Why do this to Madeleine? Why have you let this happen?’” she said.

But Mrs McCann said these “darker moments” of doubt were short-lived. “You realise that God hasn’t done this, somebody else has done this. I find myself asking God to help us find Madeleine and keep her safe”, she told the BBC’s Heaven and Earth programme.

Blaming god for something is not questioning your faith. If you blame something on god, then you still believe in his existance, you’re just questioning his motives. Don’t get me wrong; it’s a good question to ask, but unrelated to faith itself.

A question of faith would be, ‘does this experience imply that god doesn’t exist?’ Asking that question is what lead many to eventually leave their faith. They see all the evil in the world, or experience it theirselves, and the question naturally arises, ‘what kind of god would allow this? doesn’t it make more sense that no god would, and that this is a godless universe?’ It harkens back to the problem of evil, which I’ve written about in the past.

There is an even deeper issue, though, and that is the question of meaning, and why most people refuse to take that next step. I’m current reading ‘Gödel, Escher, Bach,’ so I want to hold off talking about that more. Look for this post coming up, however! If you just can’t wait (yeah, right), I have talked about this in the past.

Atheism Atheism, christianity, faith, spirituality

The Friendly Christian was asking what turns us off from Christianity. I gave my answer there, but I want to expand a bit on one point.

One of the main reasons I can’t be a Christian is what I call the ‘non-uniqueness’ of Christianity. If Christianity was really the one source truth, and all other religions were wrong, wouldn’t there be some very obvious indicators for it? Having posed that question, the first thing that needs to be discovered is what would be an indicator of truth?

There could be a long discussion here about ‘what is truth,’ and/or ‘how do we know what truth is,’ but I’m bored of such discussions. Truth is a representation of realit y. In other words, a ‘true statement’ would be an statement that accurate reflects reality. We verify that something is true through logic, reason, and emperical evidence.

With that out of the way, it’s time to pose my hypotheticals about the bible. What if the following would have happened?

Hypothetical #1
What if the Genesis actually followed the path of creation we know to be true? For example, there was an explosion, and then gas formed, and the gas gathered into stars, and the stars formed into galaxies, and eventually our own star was formed, and around that star was our planet. Et cettera. It would not be difficult to describe this even to a primitive people roaming the desert four thousand years ago. They may not have understood at the time, but it would be something for them to marvel, and then eventually come to understand. And how glorifying that would have been for god! It would be a win-win all around.

Hypothetical #2
[EDIT:  This wording was terrible]
What if instead of portraying men as superior to women, the bible explicitely stated that all people were equal, without regard for gender, ethnicity, or anything else? What if god had given them a morality we could recognize today as ‘good’ instead of something that believers today try very hard to ignore and rationalize away?

Hypothetical #3
What if instead of burnt offerings and other ceremonies, god decided he wanted to have us show our devotion through service to others? You say that Jesus did that? Why the hell wasn’t it like that from the beginning? Some might say that the people weren’t ready, and God was just guiding them along with what they could handle. Can you honestly believe that? Are we better moral beings than what existed a few thousand years ago? The ideas simply hadn’t been invented yet, which is quite obvious when we look at how quickly democracy and similar ideas were adopted after their invention among multiple civilazations. It’s also interesting to note how opposed the church has always been to these ideas, which we know to be good, or at the very least, better than what we had before.

Ok, there are three examples of possible ‘truth indicators’ that could have been unique to Christianity/Judaism. Instead what we see time and time again is that both are copycat religions. They take ideas that have been in use elsewhere, steal them, and use them as their own. And even then, we can see that they still have bad ideas, with little verifiable truth to be found. Sure there’s lots of stuff they say is true, but can’t be proven, but those things are meaningless because of it.

The fact of the matter is that where Christianity has the opportunity to shine as a beacon of truth, it fails miserably. And that is cause for great consideration.

Theology Atheism, christianity

One year ago was a Monday. I woke up at 3:30 AM in order to get ready to go out to the Airport to catch my flight to Portland, OR. I ended up getting to the Airport way too early, but that was OK. I had my iPod with me, and was catching up on some Podcasts. Got on the flight, and spent it watching the ground below me. I saw so many interesting things, and even a crater!

Got off the plane in Portland, and finally got my bags. Had some problems with the Hotel, but eventually got it all worked out. Then, I headed in to the conference center. Portland has an electric metro system, and I was looking forward to making full use of it. While I was waiting for the train, I spotted someone else waiting that was wearing an OSCON badge, so I did something I had rarely done before: I struck up a conversation with a stranger. I found out he was presenting some software, and that it might be useful to the lab where I work. I promised to stop by his companies booth and check it out.

I got to the convention center, and discovered that I was a day early, actually. There was some strangeness with how the conference was presented, and I had absolutely nothing to do. So I set out to explore Portland. Now that was a lot of fun. Portland is an amazing city, one I wouldn’t mind living in one bit. It’s clean, not too crowded, easy to get around in, and I could go on.

I thought briefly about renting a car and heading out to the coast to see the ocean. I do regret that I didn’t take that opportunity. Perhaps some other time.

Instead, I went to a Japanese Water Garden, which was awesome. Peaceful and relaxing. I hope to go back there someday, and perhaps even share the experience with someone. I felt a little lonely being in someplace new completely by myself, but everywhere I went, I was meeting new people. Going to grab some dinner, and see some guy waiting for the bus. I make a comment, and we actually have a conversation. He’s an apprentice construction worker, and he finds it funny that I don’t know what ‘Carl’s, Jr.’ is. We laugh about something. As he leaves, a girl arrives to wait as well. I’m feeling so good, I actually talk to a stranger who’s a female! We end up laughing as well.

Time to go back to the convention center, but I make a note of someplace to eat dinner. Seafood sounds good, and there is the perfect place. Interestingly enough, I just saw the exact same resaurant in a movie I saw a couple weeks ago. Brought back great memories. I miss Portland.

Back at the convention center, I’m sitting outside, taking a little rest. A few others stop by, and they are talking about Ruby On Rails, something I’m very interested in. I listen for a while, and then see a spot where I have something to offer the conversation. So I do. Another good conversation ensues.

Finally, I’m pretty tired. Hiking around Portland can be very tiring to say the least. I get back on the metro and head back to my hotel.

As I rest, my mind starts to wander. What’s going on with me? I’m acting completely different! I am actually happy!

The next week is one of the best I’ve ever had.

As I’m waiting to go to sleep, I think about my decision of the previous day. What does it mean? The answer seems obvious: it means that I’m happy. It means that I’m relieved. But it’s also too soon to tell for sure. So I must wait and see.

Why did I quit believing in god? I knew all the arguments against belief and god in general, but I still hadn’t been persuaded. The problem of evil is great, but the root of the problem is faith. I knew, ok, all of these things point to the non-existance of god, but I still believe. Look at how strong my faith is! I can believe in spite of all that. God loves me, and I need that love! I have felt him talk to me! He exists! He exists! He exists!

I was pouring all myself into that belief, trying, looking, hoping

I no longer worry about god. I have no need for that hypothesis.

One year ago today.

Personal Atheism, change, christianity, psychology

One year ago today was a Sunday.

I woke up, and packed my bags. I was going to go to Portland Oregan early the next morning to attend OSCON. I was somewhat excited, but worried about how I was going to pay for it. I was also lonely, oh so very lonely. It’s easy to admit now. I refused to admit it even to myself until last week. I would tell myself that all sorts of different things, rationalize it every which way. Somehow admitting to myself that I was lonely wasn’t something I wanted to do.

After packing my clothes, I sat down on my couch. Just sat, not sure what I was going to do, wanting to do something, but not having the energy for anything. There was a website I could have been working on, but I couldn’t find the energy to get up and walk over to my computer to test it out. I pulled out a cigarette and smoked it, a temporary feeling of satisfaction rushing through my head. When that was gone, I smoked another. A headache creeped into my head. I hated smoking, but what else could I do? I couldn’t do anything else.

Eventually, I opened the lid to my laptop and started watching some of Carl Sagan’s Cosmos series. I had recently located them on Google Video and was slowly making my way through all 13 episodes. Press play, and click the lighter. The nicotine calmed my mind; Sagan’s words smoothed my spirit.

A few episodes later, it was time for lunch. I wasn’t hungry, but I found something to eat anyway. Skipping meals is always a bad idea. Eat some food, lay back down on my couch. Press play. Mind won’t concentrate. Press stop. I need something… what? Pick up my cell phone. Look up the number I want to call. Put the cell phone back on the table. Press play. Mind wanders. Press stop. Pick up cell phone, press call. Press hang up before the call is answered.

Get up, take a walk outside to clear my head. It doesn’t work. Get back, take a shower, because I don’t like being sweaty. Sit back down on couch. Pick up the phone, call. I let it get answered this time.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Josh. Are you going to that church service you were talking about?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Ok. If you decide to go, I would like to tag along.”

“Ok.”

That conversation isn’t exact, but close enough. Soon it’s decided that we’ll go. I hang up the phone and check myself. Still feel like shit. I put the phone down and walk over to the kitchen, then take an asprin. Headache doesn’t leave. Pull out another cigarette. Light it up. Looks like I’m getting low, better stock up before I leave. Hmm, can I take a lighter inside of security? Doubtful, better pack one. What am I going to do during my 5 hour flight? Try to sleep. Maybe I’ll quit. Decide I should. Thow out the rest of the pack.

I go to the store to buy several packs anyway.

I get back to the apartment, and break out a light right away. Dammit, I told myself I was quiting. Why did I go to the store? I feel lonelier than ever.

I pickup the phone again. Can’t bother the same person, need to find someone else. 10 minutes later, I realize no one else is around. Take another asprin. Can’t have too many, or I’ll get sick. Take another anyway.

I look at the clock. The time is growing near. Need to take a shower, wash the smell of smoke off myself. My friend hates the smell, but I’m more ashamed of myself. Don’t want her to know. She does anyway. Get new clothes out of the dryer. No way they smell like smoke. If I lose a friend, at least it won’t be because of that. Brush my teeth for ten minutes. Have to make sure it’s clean. Still not sure. Brush some more.

I go out to my car, drive slowly to her house. Knock on the door. She’s talking on the phone, and I’m relieved that all I have to do is smile. She drives us to church. We arrive. She’s looking for her friend. I realize she likes him. I think it’s great, I’m happy for her, and I hate myself for feeling a little more lonely and jealous.  Jealous because someone can feel that way, and someone can recieve those sorts of feelings.

Don’t think about it Josh. Think of something clever to say. Look around. See what’s there. Time to take a seat. Oh no, where do I sit? Take the seat right next to her, possibly make her uncomfortable, or sit one seat over, and make it seem like I”m trying to push her away.

I hate sitting in public rows of chairs. I never know what to do, no matter who it’s with.

Decide on one seat away. Being too far from someone is better than being too close.

Read the slide on the wall. Look around as people come in. Do you know anyone? What will you say if you see someone you know? Tell the truth? Smile and give general answers? Pretend to need to go to the bathroom? Or perhaps it wouldn’t be pretending. Now I need to go. Is it alright to smoke outside a church? Doesn’t matter, didn’t bring my cigarettes, and I don’t want my friend to know anyway. Read the next slide on the wall.

It’s time to sing. Stand up. I feel numb. Try to open my mouth. Nothing comes out. Then a sound. I look around. I feel like everyone is staring. No one is. For some reason, that doesn’t make me feel any better.

People are raising their hands. They’re so sincere. I used to be them. I remember raising my hands. I remember singing. I wrote worship songs. We sung them in church. I used to cry when I sang. I used to feel god’s presence.

I don’t raise my hands. I don’t cry. I don’t feel anything.

It’s time to set down. Someone stands up, some announcements. They talk about a camping trip. I went on one of those before. I always felt so lonely every time. I made a huge mistake at the first one. I never forgave myself. I deserve to feel lonely. They thought I was mean. I was only defending myself. No one believed me. I don’t deserve to defend myself. Good thing I sat one seat over.

The speaker starts talking. We should keep the sabbath holy. The jews had a hard time remembering. They stoned to death those who didn’t (did they do it the same day?). Today, we need to do the same. Not stone people to death. Set apart some time each week for us to be with god. He wants us to do that.

I want to scream. I swallow instead. Don’t they get it? My frustration grows. I want to get up and leave, but stay seated. I listen. The speaker had a problem with his bike (or was it car) breaking. It was because he hadn’t kept his time with the lord. The lord was trying to tell him to spend more time.

I shake my head. This is gibberish. Don’t they understand? Pull out a scripture. Interpret it anyway you like. It’s meaningless.

The pastor is actually telling us first that:

A) God tells us what he wants us to do.

and

B) When god tells us, he doesn’t tell us exactly what to do, we need to interpret it, make it fit our time period and culture.

The hypocrisy is getting a number of amen’s. I feel the world rushing in around my. My head feels like it’s about to explode. The numbness is gone, only to be filled with pain. God, why do you let us do this? Why are you so confusing? Why won’t you answer my prayers? Why won’t you heal me? Why did you make me such a shitty person? Or if I did that to myself somehow, why won’t you help me change? I need you. I’m shit, yet you still love me. I’m so grateful for your love, but why can’t I feel it? Why can’t you show it to me? I know I can’t show others that I love them, does that mean you must ignore me to? Isn’t that part of the problem?

As the questions flow, I start going around in circles, always rationalizing away the obvious answer that will make it all stop. It’s not true. There is a god who loves me. If only I will try a little harder.

The service is over. We leave. She asks me what I thought. I’m not sure how to answer. I reply that I don’t understand. I try to explain, but I don’t think I make any sense.

I stay silent the rest of the time.

Thank her for going, it’s time to get back to my apartment.

I get in, change into my shorts. More comfortable. Sit down, light up a cigarette. Mind slows down.

Press play.

Trying to focus. It actually works a bit.

Time passes as I watch.

Press pause. What did Sagan just say? Rewind. Press Play.

Yes, that is what Sagan said. I can’t breath all of the sudden. Tears rush from my eyes. Is it really that simple? I want to scream. I want to break something, throw something. But I sit. My hands are shaking. And then my arms. What am I going to do?

I lean forward, and put my head in my hands. Dry my eyes. My head feels like it’s about to explode.

Breath. In. Out. In. Out. Breath through your nose, dammit! It’ll calm you faster. How do you know that? There are nerve endings in your nose that will get soothed.

Everything stops.

I have my answer.

I don’t believe in god.

One year ago today.

Personal Atheism, change, christianity, Philosophy, Science