sudo life

We are social animals. It’s interesting to see how we evolved to that; but we are not unique in that regard. Many other animals out there require much social contact. Primates are a good example, so are different types of birds, and there are others.

We evolved this way because it is advantageous to work through life cooperating with those around us instead of fighting with them, or ignoring them. It’s very rare for the ‘going it alone’ attitude to actually succeed.

With that in mind, it’s no wonder that many people find themselves feeling lonely. Not just alone, but lonely. We all have times where we feel alone. Maybe it’s a holiday, and you’re sitting in your apartment, listening to other people celebrate, because they are too loud for you to go to sleep. Or maybe you’re driving somewhere by yourself, and the radio is out, and you just wish you had someone to talk to. Feeling alone can happen in a variety of ways, but it’s different than loneliness.

Loneliness is a deeper, drawn out feeling of being alone. It’s not something that lasts a couple of hours (or days). It isn’t the result of a choice, either. Perhaps everyone you know is too busy all the time, or perhaps you don’t know anyone. Or perhaps you’re not even alone physically. You could be at a party, or gathering of friends and family, where everyone is having a wonderful time, and yet you still feel like the loneliest person in the world.

Loneliness isn’t merely about not being around other people. It’s about not connecting with other people. It’s about finding it impossible to develop meaningful human contact.

It’s no wonder that we developed all sorts of different coping mechinisms to deal with this. Self Medication, prostitution, spending money, porn, smoking, drugs, exercise, food, obsessions, television – the list is endless. I’ve used a few of those, and I know the dark places where they can lead. Religion for me was another coping mechanism. Who needs meaningful human contact, when you have a relationship with the greatest being that exists? Only, if the meaning in that disappears, where does that leave you?

Or if spending money is a coping mechanism, what happens when you run out?

Or what happens when you eat too much food, and eventually become obese?

Or what happens when you are self-medicating, and alcohol takes over your life?

Coping mechanisms can be helpful, but they can also lead to ignorance of the underlying problem. An alcoholic doesn’t become one simply because they like alcohol. They’re likely trying to fill another void in their life, something they haven’t figured out how to fill any other way.

One symptom of loneliness is the feeling that everyone else has so many friends, they’re never alone. An outsider can look at someone, and see the number of friends, or the closeness to family, and just assume that there is no way the person can be lonely. Both of those statements depend on a fallacy, that loneliness is merely about being alone. For example, I love my family and I love visiting them, but everytime I visit, feelings of loneliness crop up. Why? Because the things that are important to me are not shared by them. It’s difficult to make any sort of deep connection in that circumstance. Loneliness isn’t about loving others, or being loved, it’s about not being able to share your life with someone else.

It’s no different than where we were a hundred thousand years ago. Back then, we needed each other in order to just survive. We hunted in groups, gathered in groups, everything. If we left the group, we would likely die. Today, it’s not our physical lives that are in danger, though, but our mental ones. It’s no longer about hunting mammaths in order to eat, but it’s still about facing our lives.

Philosophy loneliness, psychology

One year ago was a Monday. I woke up at 3:30 AM in order to get ready to go out to the Airport to catch my flight to Portland, OR. I ended up getting to the Airport way too early, but that was OK. I had my iPod with me, and was catching up on some Podcasts. Got on the flight, and spent it watching the ground below me. I saw so many interesting things, and even a crater!

Got off the plane in Portland, and finally got my bags. Had some problems with the Hotel, but eventually got it all worked out. Then, I headed in to the conference center. Portland has an electric metro system, and I was looking forward to making full use of it. While I was waiting for the train, I spotted someone else waiting that was wearing an OSCON badge, so I did something I had rarely done before: I struck up a conversation with a stranger. I found out he was presenting some software, and that it might be useful to the lab where I work. I promised to stop by his companies booth and check it out.

I got to the convention center, and discovered that I was a day early, actually. There was some strangeness with how the conference was presented, and I had absolutely nothing to do. So I set out to explore Portland. Now that was a lot of fun. Portland is an amazing city, one I wouldn’t mind living in one bit. It’s clean, not too crowded, easy to get around in, and I could go on.

I thought briefly about renting a car and heading out to the coast to see the ocean. I do regret that I didn’t take that opportunity. Perhaps some other time.

Instead, I went to a Japanese Water Garden, which was awesome. Peaceful and relaxing. I hope to go back there someday, and perhaps even share the experience with someone. I felt a little lonely being in someplace new completely by myself, but everywhere I went, I was meeting new people. Going to grab some dinner, and see some guy waiting for the bus. I make a comment, and we actually have a conversation. He’s an apprentice construction worker, and he finds it funny that I don’t know what ‘Carl’s, Jr.’ is. We laugh about something. As he leaves, a girl arrives to wait as well. I’m feeling so good, I actually talk to a stranger who’s a female! We end up laughing as well.

Time to go back to the convention center, but I make a note of someplace to eat dinner. Seafood sounds good, and there is the perfect place. Interestingly enough, I just saw the exact same resaurant in a movie I saw a couple weeks ago. Brought back great memories. I miss Portland.

Back at the convention center, I’m sitting outside, taking a little rest. A few others stop by, and they are talking about Ruby On Rails, something I’m very interested in. I listen for a while, and then see a spot where I have something to offer the conversation. So I do. Another good conversation ensues.

Finally, I’m pretty tired. Hiking around Portland can be very tiring to say the least. I get back on the metro and head back to my hotel.

As I rest, my mind starts to wander. What’s going on with me? I’m acting completely different! I am actually happy!

The next week is one of the best I’ve ever had.

As I’m waiting to go to sleep, I think about my decision of the previous day. What does it mean? The answer seems obvious: it means that I’m happy. It means that I’m relieved. But it’s also too soon to tell for sure. So I must wait and see.

Why did I quit believing in god? I knew all the arguments against belief and god in general, but I still hadn’t been persuaded. The problem of evil is great, but the root of the problem is faith. I knew, ok, all of these things point to the non-existance of god, but I still believe. Look at how strong my faith is! I can believe in spite of all that. God loves me, and I need that love! I have felt him talk to me! He exists! He exists! He exists!

I was pouring all myself into that belief, trying, looking, hoping

I no longer worry about god. I have no need for that hypothesis.

One year ago today.

Personal Atheism, change, christianity, psychology

One year ago today was a Sunday.

I woke up, and packed my bags. I was going to go to Portland Oregan early the next morning to attend OSCON. I was somewhat excited, but worried about how I was going to pay for it. I was also lonely, oh so very lonely. It’s easy to admit now. I refused to admit it even to myself until last week. I would tell myself that all sorts of different things, rationalize it every which way. Somehow admitting to myself that I was lonely wasn’t something I wanted to do.

After packing my clothes, I sat down on my couch. Just sat, not sure what I was going to do, wanting to do something, but not having the energy for anything. There was a website I could have been working on, but I couldn’t find the energy to get up and walk over to my computer to test it out. I pulled out a cigarette and smoked it, a temporary feeling of satisfaction rushing through my head. When that was gone, I smoked another. A headache creeped into my head. I hated smoking, but what else could I do? I couldn’t do anything else.

Eventually, I opened the lid to my laptop and started watching some of Carl Sagan’s Cosmos series. I had recently located them on Google Video and was slowly making my way through all 13 episodes. Press play, and click the lighter. The nicotine calmed my mind; Sagan’s words smoothed my spirit.

A few episodes later, it was time for lunch. I wasn’t hungry, but I found something to eat anyway. Skipping meals is always a bad idea. Eat some food, lay back down on my couch. Press play. Mind won’t concentrate. Press stop. I need something… what? Pick up my cell phone. Look up the number I want to call. Put the cell phone back on the table. Press play. Mind wanders. Press stop. Pick up cell phone, press call. Press hang up before the call is answered.

Get up, take a walk outside to clear my head. It doesn’t work. Get back, take a shower, because I don’t like being sweaty. Sit back down on couch. Pick up the phone, call. I let it get answered this time.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Josh. Are you going to that church service you were talking about?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Ok. If you decide to go, I would like to tag along.”

“Ok.”

That conversation isn’t exact, but close enough. Soon it’s decided that we’ll go. I hang up the phone and check myself. Still feel like shit. I put the phone down and walk over to the kitchen, then take an asprin. Headache doesn’t leave. Pull out another cigarette. Light it up. Looks like I’m getting low, better stock up before I leave. Hmm, can I take a lighter inside of security? Doubtful, better pack one. What am I going to do during my 5 hour flight? Try to sleep. Maybe I’ll quit. Decide I should. Thow out the rest of the pack.

I go to the store to buy several packs anyway.

I get back to the apartment, and break out a light right away. Dammit, I told myself I was quiting. Why did I go to the store? I feel lonelier than ever.

I pickup the phone again. Can’t bother the same person, need to find someone else. 10 minutes later, I realize no one else is around. Take another asprin. Can’t have too many, or I’ll get sick. Take another anyway.

I look at the clock. The time is growing near. Need to take a shower, wash the smell of smoke off myself. My friend hates the smell, but I’m more ashamed of myself. Don’t want her to know. She does anyway. Get new clothes out of the dryer. No way they smell like smoke. If I lose a friend, at least it won’t be because of that. Brush my teeth for ten minutes. Have to make sure it’s clean. Still not sure. Brush some more.

I go out to my car, drive slowly to her house. Knock on the door. She’s talking on the phone, and I’m relieved that all I have to do is smile. She drives us to church. We arrive. She’s looking for her friend. I realize she likes him. I think it’s great, I’m happy for her, and I hate myself for feeling a little more lonely and jealous.  Jealous because someone can feel that way, and someone can recieve those sorts of feelings.

Don’t think about it Josh. Think of something clever to say. Look around. See what’s there. Time to take a seat. Oh no, where do I sit? Take the seat right next to her, possibly make her uncomfortable, or sit one seat over, and make it seem like I”m trying to push her away.

I hate sitting in public rows of chairs. I never know what to do, no matter who it’s with.

Decide on one seat away. Being too far from someone is better than being too close.

Read the slide on the wall. Look around as people come in. Do you know anyone? What will you say if you see someone you know? Tell the truth? Smile and give general answers? Pretend to need to go to the bathroom? Or perhaps it wouldn’t be pretending. Now I need to go. Is it alright to smoke outside a church? Doesn’t matter, didn’t bring my cigarettes, and I don’t want my friend to know anyway. Read the next slide on the wall.

It’s time to sing. Stand up. I feel numb. Try to open my mouth. Nothing comes out. Then a sound. I look around. I feel like everyone is staring. No one is. For some reason, that doesn’t make me feel any better.

People are raising their hands. They’re so sincere. I used to be them. I remember raising my hands. I remember singing. I wrote worship songs. We sung them in church. I used to cry when I sang. I used to feel god’s presence.

I don’t raise my hands. I don’t cry. I don’t feel anything.

It’s time to set down. Someone stands up, some announcements. They talk about a camping trip. I went on one of those before. I always felt so lonely every time. I made a huge mistake at the first one. I never forgave myself. I deserve to feel lonely. They thought I was mean. I was only defending myself. No one believed me. I don’t deserve to defend myself. Good thing I sat one seat over.

The speaker starts talking. We should keep the sabbath holy. The jews had a hard time remembering. They stoned to death those who didn’t (did they do it the same day?). Today, we need to do the same. Not stone people to death. Set apart some time each week for us to be with god. He wants us to do that.

I want to scream. I swallow instead. Don’t they get it? My frustration grows. I want to get up and leave, but stay seated. I listen. The speaker had a problem with his bike (or was it car) breaking. It was because he hadn’t kept his time with the lord. The lord was trying to tell him to spend more time.

I shake my head. This is gibberish. Don’t they understand? Pull out a scripture. Interpret it anyway you like. It’s meaningless.

The pastor is actually telling us first that:

A) God tells us what he wants us to do.

and

B) When god tells us, he doesn’t tell us exactly what to do, we need to interpret it, make it fit our time period and culture.

The hypocrisy is getting a number of amen’s. I feel the world rushing in around my. My head feels like it’s about to explode. The numbness is gone, only to be filled with pain. God, why do you let us do this? Why are you so confusing? Why won’t you answer my prayers? Why won’t you heal me? Why did you make me such a shitty person? Or if I did that to myself somehow, why won’t you help me change? I need you. I’m shit, yet you still love me. I’m so grateful for your love, but why can’t I feel it? Why can’t you show it to me? I know I can’t show others that I love them, does that mean you must ignore me to? Isn’t that part of the problem?

As the questions flow, I start going around in circles, always rationalizing away the obvious answer that will make it all stop. It’s not true. There is a god who loves me. If only I will try a little harder.

The service is over. We leave. She asks me what I thought. I’m not sure how to answer. I reply that I don’t understand. I try to explain, but I don’t think I make any sense.

I stay silent the rest of the time.

Thank her for going, it’s time to get back to my apartment.

I get in, change into my shorts. More comfortable. Sit down, light up a cigarette. Mind slows down.

Press play.

Trying to focus. It actually works a bit.

Time passes as I watch.

Press pause. What did Sagan just say? Rewind. Press Play.

Yes, that is what Sagan said. I can’t breath all of the sudden. Tears rush from my eyes. Is it really that simple? I want to scream. I want to break something, throw something. But I sit. My hands are shaking. And then my arms. What am I going to do?

I lean forward, and put my head in my hands. Dry my eyes. My head feels like it’s about to explode.

Breath. In. Out. In. Out. Breath through your nose, dammit! It’ll calm you faster. How do you know that? There are nerve endings in your nose that will get soothed.

Everything stops.

I have my answer.

I don’t believe in god.

One year ago today.

Personal Atheism, change, christianity, Philosophy, Science

Someone once argued with me, concerning evolution, “science has been wrong before.”

True enough. I didn’t reply at the time, for a variety of reasons. Today, I would challenge them to name something that science has been wrong about. There are several possible choices. One common answer is thinking the earth was flat (most people don’t know about Eratosthenes calculating the diameter of the earth around 200 B.C). Never-the-less, the fact remains that the argument is right. We have been wrong about things in the past. We’re still wrong about some things. We know that many of our theories are incomplete.

Given all of that, though, there is a better point to be made. Science is unique in the way that it is the only self-correcting field out there. All of those times science has been wrong about something, I can guarantee you, it was not the priest that fixed it, but another scientist.

Theology christianity, debate, evolution, Philosophy, Science