sudo life

Starting in my teenage years, I slowly dropped, as so many teens do, into a depression. There were many different factors, mostly social at the time. I’m a very socially awkward person – I don’t understand people very easily, and interacting with them can be very difficult because of that. Once I graduated, I expected things would get to be much better in college, but this was not to be the case. Things got progressively worse over the next four years.

As a dedicated Christian, I kept looking to god to heal me and guide me in the way that he wanted me to go, but I was always left wanting. God’s silence left me baffled. I began wondering if perhaps Christianity was wrong, so I looked into other religions. I looked into Eastern religions, learning quite a bit about Buddhism and Taoism. I read books about the Zohar and Kaballah. But nothing really jumped out at me. There didn’t seem to be much substance to be had. Eventually, I returned my focus to Christianity.

That was when the real trouble began.

I thought that maybe I wasn’t a ‘good enough’ Christian, and that’s why god wasn’t around. I needed to try harder, to put more effort into my faith. So I did. But as I did, I began get rumblings in the back of my mind. Something just wasn’t right. Why were Christians behind the war in Iraq? Didn’t Jesus specifically say ‘turn the other cheek?’ Or how about the hundreds of other things Jesus set the example for us on, and yet very few christians actually do? Socially things took a turn for the worse as well, and my depression grew even deeper. A good friend moved away forever, a friend who had been a large presence in my life. Another good friend was in the hospital, far away. Then a good friend from the past seemed to turn his back on me. I couldn’t sleep, worried that I was missing out on life itself, a loneliness that I tried to cure other ways, but couldn’t fix. My insomnia created a snow ball effect, each day things getting progressively worse.

My pleadings with god were nothing more than words spoken into the air for all the good they did. I felt abandoned by everyone – my psychosis too far gone to accept the love of my family, and no time with work and school to go and visit them. I had seperated myself from everyone.

In September, 2005, everything came to a head. I was suicidal, hanging on by a thread. The only thing that kept me from taking that final step was the financial responsibilities I had taken on. If I was going to take my own life, I didn’t want to leave a mark on anyone else – it would be a private thing. By that time, though, I had incurred several thousand dollars worth of debt due to college, and I wasn’t going to leave that behind for my parents. But even that motivation was slipping away. Eventually, I broke down, and checked myself into a hospital, where I stayed for 10 days.

Those 10 days provided much perspective, and were very helpful. I was happy and relaxed until the point that it came time for me to leave. I was a bit apprehensive, but eventually determined to turn things around in my life. I got back and started making changes, but each one was a battle. I started to take more risks socially, and sometimes those paid off. I was still making mistakes, though. It was during this time that I had the only argument I’ve had with a very dear friend during this time. It was because I had gotten too ‘clingly,’ and I didn’t understand. But I battled through it. Eventually I got better with fighting against my own mind.

As time continued on, the battles proved easier, though something was still nagging at the back of my mind. Where was god, and why wasn’t he providing guidance, and the help that I needed? Some people might say that god wants me to be reponsible for my own self, and I shouldn’t rely on him to live my life for me. I can accept that. But I had been taught to believe that Christianity was about a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, and you can’t have a one way relationship. I thought you were supposed to feel the presence of god. My prayers were still not answered, not even in the negative. I had ceased to feel the presence of God, and I didn’t know why.

I began to feel in my gut that something was very wrong with christianity – perhaps even several things. I expected that at the core, though, it would be just one thing. I began to wonder about conspiracy theories concerning the catholic church, and other things. Later on, I would be amazed that the answer would be much simpler than that.

I began to do research on the net about the creation of the bible, and ran into a documentary on Google Video called “Who Wrote the Bible?” This was an eye-opener to say the least. The bible’s divine inspiration did not seem as clear all of the sudden. This incident was also important because I discovered Google Video as a resource, and soon after than I ran into “The Root of All Evil?” on that same site.

The Root of All Evil? opened my eyes to several things and planted several questions. Was faith really dangerous? Why did evolution make more sense when Dawkin’s explained it than the other times I had heard about it? Was my faith the same thing that drove the motivations of terrorists? What were the products of Christian Faith? A pit in my stomach began to grow rapidly. Had I been completely wrong about Christianity, indeed god in general? It was the scariest thought I ever had, and I quit my inquiry for over a month because of it. Perhaps it would be better if I didn’t know!

My mind would not make things so easy, though. Two contradictory ideas had been planted in my head, and I was caught in the turbulence of cognitive dissonance. My mind would not let it go. Searching Google Video one day, I ran across a series by Kent Hovind, and my faith was restored. The bible did provide a better explanation about the creation of the world than evolution, and that explanatory power was definite evidence of divine inspiration, no matter the origins of the bible. I wanted to discover more about this man of god, Kent Hovind.

The internet is a double edge sword. The golden tongue of Kent Hovind is not so shiny when you look at the arguments against him. I discovered logical fallacies, and was able to immediately spot them in the speeches from Hovind. My newly restored faith vanished once again.

Can you imagine what it’s like to go back and forth like this? The world right-side-up one moment, skewed the next, and backwards just a moment later. My mind couldn’t keep up. The depression I had been through before began to creep back up, but I didn’t want to go down that road. This time I had better tools in my pocket. I knew what I needed to do – gain perspective. So that’s what I did. I began reading everything I could get my hands on about Science, Skepticism, and Atheism, because I had the Christian perspective and I needed the opposite perspective.

In my readings, I began to see a pattern. Slowly, one by one, my precious beliefs were being dismantled. Everything I held dear was was being destroyed. It hurt, but I had no way to argue it. The arguments were rock solid, but still I refused to give up my beliefs. Something was missing, I just knew it. I couldn’t have been wrong about everything! The thought of a godless world was still to scary to even consider.

Then in July of last year, I stumbled upon the thing that would lead me to take the final step – Carl Sagan’s Cosmos series. In each of the thirteen episodes, I came to see the beauty in the world, a beauty that didn’t require the existance of God, but was available to everyone, no matter their beliefs. Finally, in the thirteenth episode it all clicked. Carl Sagan, in his ’spaceship of the mind’ had just witnessed the destruction of earth due to nuclear war. He said this:

“We had accepted the products of science, but not it’s method.“

I had to stop the video; the words had cut straight to my heart. This is what it is all about. This was the problem with Christianity that I had been looking for. When I started my journey, I expected that after I discovered what was missing, my faith would be complete. Just the opposite happened because when I discovered what was missing, it was at that very moment I became an Atheist.

There were no fireworks, no celebrations, but no tears by that point either. An overwhelming peace settled over me for the first time I could remember in quite some time. I had discovered the key to happiness, and I was now ready to go into the world.

I would be lying to say that it was all easy after that. For the first few months, I would still have moments where I cried out to god, not yet fully understanding the change in my own life. I had the key, but I hadn’t quite figured out how to use it properly, and doubt came when I used it wrong. But as time went on, I began to figure it out. Will I make mistakes in the future? Without a doubt, but now my toolbox is complete, so I will be prepared.

So what was the problem? Perhaps it wasn’t clear above. The problem is faith itself. Faith is opposed to science, and reason. When I started really learning about the world, faith didn’t make sense. Why was it that the world made more sense in the end if there was no god?

Let me lay out the three reasons I’m an Atheist.

1. The non-explanatory power of god. Basically, god isn’t required to explain the world, and further-more, using god as an explanation only complicates matters more instead of making them simpler.
2. Problems specific to Christianity. Why are there so many contradiction in the bible? Why isn’t the message of Christianity unique if they’re right and everyone else is wrong? Why does the bible contradict known history? Why does the bible make so many scientific mistakes? Those are just a few examples.
3. The Problem of Hell. The ideas of a loving god and a place of eternal torture are mutually exclusive.

What does all of this mean? It means that in the last year, I’ve finally conquered my depression. I’m not saying that I’ll never feel depressed again, but the big things that were driving my depression have been defeated. It means I’m at peace, confident, and for the first time I can really remember, mentally healthy! I have gained an basic understanding of the world around me, so I can move through this world, literally and figuratively, with relative ease. Furthermore, I know how to gain more understanding. If I run up against a problem, I know how to solve it! Help won’t come from above. That’s a ‘long wait for a train don’t come.’ Now know the power of reason and science. There are thousands of more words that I can write about this, but what it all comes down to is this: Today I can honestly say that I’m a happy human being.

Losing my faith was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but nearly a year later, it’s been worth it.

Personal Atheism, change, Science, videos

By Penn Jillette

“Having taken that step, it informs every moment of my life. I’m not greedy. I have love, blue skies, rainbows and Hallmark cards, and that has to be enough. It has to be enough, but it’s everything in the world and everything in the world is plenty for me. It seems just rude to beg the invisible for more. Just the love of my family that raised me and the family I’m raising now is enough that I don’t need heaven. I won the huge genetic lottery and I get joy every day. “

Atheists are often accused of being arrogant, which is rather strange when you think about it.

Atheism inspiration

Since it’s getting to be that time of the year for summer romances, I want to write something about the subject. I’m calling this a Game Theory Analysis, though I know very little about the subject, and am probably greatly misusing the term, and am not really doing Game Theory at all. But I’m going to stick my neck out and just go with it, and we’ll see what happens.

There is a specific sort of situation that I want to analyze, and this is for you guys out there that have a hard time asking out those great treasures of humanity – women. Let’s assume that you are friends with this girl, but you’re also strongly attracted to her, and would like to explore say, a more romantic approach. But there is a nagging fear that asking her out might ruin even your friendship, and your left off worse than before. So let’s see if we can setup a matrix that models this basic situation:

Ok, let me explain what we have so far. Basically, the guy has the top choices, or strategies, either to Ask her out or to Not Ask her out. The girl as the choices on the left, Yes or No. A yes would indicate that she is interested in pursuing a more romantic approach as well, and a no would indicate that she’s not interested in you.

The next trick is assigning values to each of these boxes. There will be two values in each box, one of each of the participants. In this matrix, the one of the left will be for the girl, and the one on the right will be for the guy:

Ok, now I’ve filled out a few values, and we can see what our best strategy might be. However, any conclusions would only be as good as the values I put in, so I need to explain those first. Obviously, the best possible outcome is if you ask and she is aggreable. So I put +10 to both to represent this. The others are perhaps a little trickier.

If you ask and she is not agreeable, then I give her a zero, and you a -3. Even though it seems hard at the time, a momentary rejection is relatively easy to get over in the long run. The friendship might suffer a bump in the road, but if it’s a true friendship, it ought to last. You might argue that the girl should recieve a negative amount here as well, but that is a judgement to make in your own situation.

The next possible outcome is if you don’t ask, and she is agreeable. Then you both lose out with neither taking the risk. The final possible out come is if you don’t ask and she isn’t agreeable, then she loses nothing, but you lose as you wonder ‘what might have been.’

Ok, so there are the explanations for the values. You might change them around however you want, but I’m going to jump right into the analysis now.

If we look at the over-all picture, we can see something interesting. The best you can possibly do by Not Asking is a -10, while the worse you can do by asking is a -3. If you don’t ask, there is absolutely nothing to gain, but if you do ask, you have the possibilty of gaining quite a bit. Obviously, for you, the best strategy is to always Ask. The same is true if you look at the situation from her perspective. The best outcome for her is your asking, and the worse outcome possible from from you not asking. In the middle, she neither gains nor loses, so it’s a pretty clean cut deal.

Of course, this is probably over-simplistic, not to mention the nearly arbitrary nature of the values for the matrix, but I think it is ‘reasonable enough’ to get your gears going.

The bottom line, guys, you should always ask her out. Quit pansying around and just do it.

Mathematics dating, game theory, math

Well, I’ve wrapped up my viewing of the Planet Earth series from the BBC, narrated by David Attenborough. Only one word is needed to describe the experience: WOW! If you have not seen this yet, you will not be disappointed. And for only $55 at amazon, there is no excuse not to have it as a part of your DVD collection.

The series is marked by the footage of things that have never been captured on film before (and in some cases, never even seen before), incredible camera work to capture the scenery, and jaw-dropping scale. The first time I saw the footage of Angel Falls was nearly overwhelming.

One thing the film really brings to my attention, and something I’ve been loath to think about in the past, is the knife edge we are now walking in reference to our global environment. Some of the things they caught on film is likely to never be seen again; the animals will be gone. After seeing these on screen, the disaster that would be their loss is really driven home. Sadly, in some cases, it might be too late.

So check it out! As I said, you won’t be disappointed.

Science biology, inspiration, Science, videos