sudo life

I must admit that I’m a bit speechless. I’ve been held breathless, wept, and wrung my mind and I’ve only seen the first twenty minutes of this new documentary called “Jesus Camp.” I started watching it because I it has been so highly recommended. Now I do not know if I can finish it.

You see, I used to be one of those kids, and it is literally painful to watch the recordings on this video. My heart is torn as I watch what is dancing across the screen. I have no words to describe what I feel. My tears provide no consolation.

I’ve kept my former religous experiences to myself, mostly, only giving the most superficial descriptions to even my closest friends. I’ve never spoken about those times I have spent the night in prayers, begging god to talk to me. I’ve never spoken of the times I danced in the rain, singing praises to the most wonderful and loving god.

I’ve never spoken about those torturing moments where I poured everything I had into worshiping the god who loves me. How I spoke in tongues and wept over prophecy. How I sought god’s guidance in everything I did. How I begged for forgiveness from the slightest of wrongs.

I sung unto the lord praises of his magnificence, of his love, of his great victories, and his victories yet to come.

These were all very personal things I experienced with a very personal god. There was no need to explain myself to others – only god counts.

Now I look back at that and weep. And today I weep, because I know a whole new generation will experience the same thing.

Will they be as let down as I?

Will they have their heart torn out as they discover the things they thought to be absolute truth torn down in front of their very eyes?

These are not small matters – this is the very core of who you are.

Perhaps my faith was not strong enough, but I do not know how it could have been stronger. I threw myself whole heartedly into worshiping god.

My transistion was slow, taking the course of several years. But watching this movie has brought all of it crashing back down onto me.

Personal christianity, review, video

I’ve been reading over some of my past blog entries in the archives, and I’m amazed at some of what I wrote.  I’ve changed so much in the last few years that it’s hard for me to even indentify with that person who was writing back then.  Here’s an overview of huge changes over the course of my blog entries:

Christianity -> Atheism
Conservatism -> Libertarianism
Bush Supporter -> Bush… not-supporter
Mysticism -> Scientific

Those are huge changes taken individually, but all four together just leaves me stunned.  It’s hard for me to put into perspective.  I’m basically a completely different person than I used to be.

How could that happen?

Was I really always this person I am today and before just fighting against it?

Well, as I look at these changes a bit more, I realize that they are all based on one thing, a change in my basic epistemology.  Basically the move from mysticism to skepticism.

There is the saying that says something along the lines of ‘people never change.’  Well, I now know that’s complete bullshit.  Get with the game!  Your destiny is in your hands, and you decide who you want to be.

Personal change, Philosophy