sudo life

They can hit at any moment, and without warning, leaving you crippled and unable to react. They can last for any amount of time, from a few minutes to an hour, and in some cases even longer. They are Panic Attacks, and this is what happens (in my own experience).

The day is bright, and things are going well. I accomplished something in the morning that I had been working on for quite some time. It turned out well, and I’m quite pleased with it. I walked to where I needed to go, whistling a happy tune.

But then things change. I see something up ahead and two words shoot through my consciousness like a high pitched scream causing all other thoughts to immediately fade away. They are: “Oh no.”

Time seems to slow down as things start to happen very rapidly. My mind begins racing, trying to come up with some sort of plan to change the situation. Escape and Evade is the general idea, but nothing comes. Hundreds of different solutions present themselves one by one. One by one they are shot down.

The mind, unable to find a solutions, begins effecting other parts of the body. This is called somatization – The mind sending your body signals that have no organic basis, and it responding as if it did.

Blood rushes to the face, causing me to suddenly feel very hot. It also means I’m looking like a tomato, as blushes are hard to hide – impossible if you are a redhead.

My heart begins to race. It feels like I just finished the 3.1 miles runs I used to do as a cross country runner. My breathing soon follows suit, and I find myself unable to get enough oxygen. I begin to feel light headed.

My stomach begins to simultaneosly tighten and twist, threatening to repel it’s contents back from which it came. Any thought of food is expelled quickly at the risk of losing it entirely.

The walls begin to close in, and there is an unescapable feeling of sudden suffocation which is worsened by the fact that I’m already breathing hard and my heart is racing.  My mind is frantically searching for anything that will bring relief, but at the same time trying for force my body into standing completely still.  Sudden movements will only bring unwanted attention from others.

I know what’s coming next, and it only adds to the chaos that has engulfed me, leaving me completely paralyzed. They don’t always come, though, and I’m praying in some part of my mind that has retained it’s wits that they don’t come this time. But they don’t listen. The tears begin to flow, and all dignity is forgotten. All other thoughts disappear to make way for the only thing that now matters: fleeing the area.

Somehow – God only knows how – I find my way to the last place I felt safe – usually my apartment. Slowly time returns to normal and things begin to settle down. But at the same time, the way I was before is unattainable.

Every panic attack changes you. It pushes you, molds you into something else. Things from your old life persists, but from that point on, you’ll always be a little more careful, a little more on edge.

At least, that’s been my experience.

Personal psychology

If I had to define in a single sentence what the goal of my life has been up until this moment, it would be this: looking for nirvana.  No, not the band.  Nirvana as the state of pure happiness, balance, and stability.  The search continues.

That is not to say that I have not tasted it.  The first time a piece of code works, shooting a rocket, flying a kite off a dam, standing in my apartment with a pallete of oil paint and a blank canvas in front of me, improvising the music in my head, playing cards with a friend.  All these things bring a taste of what might be, but all of these things are also only temporary.

Many people look for nirvana in religion, and many of those seem to find it.  I’ve had a taste of it in religion, but it was fleeting.  Christianity is the only religion I’ve truly experienced, and the last few years have brought more questions that answers about it.

Lately, though, it has been an almost religious exercise that has brought me my taste of Nirvana.  I do believe in a god – that much I cannot deny.  Sitting in the peace, and letting that belief wash over me like a warm breeze in the spring time brings a definate peace.

I can look at the mess of things in my life and relax, knowing that I can face them, even if it hurts.  Especially if it hurts.    Is that nirvana?

I think everything is going to be ok.

Personal change, religion

For those of you who know me, you probably know that I’ve had an ongoing problem with anxiety.  Over the past few months, though, this has gotten better.  Only over the last two weeks have I noticed my old habit creeping back in.  I know I’m not alone in this, so I’m going to share what I’ve learned in how to deal with this.  These things specifically deal with social anxiety.

Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist, nor will this help you truly overcome social anxiety.  These are ways I found to ‘cope.’

One of the biggest things I do that help is to carry around something in my pocket I can always pull out to occupy myself with.  Usually this is either my cell phone, which contains of few games, and other things I can do, or my iPod.  I’ve used other things as well, though, from silly putty to string, and even letters.  I’ve found that sometimes it isn’t even important that things actually occupy your mind, as long as they give the appearance to others that they are.

Secondly, get a hobby.  I have several, and they all help in different ways.  Computer Programming require complete focus of the mind, but is also hard to start if you are particularly anxious.

Oil Painting allows expression.  I really encourage you to try this one.  I’ve never been able to draw or paint, but oil paints are extremely forgiving, and they are very fun to work with.

Model Rocketry is a way to relax, but also has the ability to expand to something even more.  It also has a great community (even though I don’t actively participate).

Writing is a way to express yourself.  I find that I really have two modes of writing: for others and for myself.  If you’re writing something you want to share, it’s important to get it out there and make sure people can actually read it.  While this can be a source of anxiety in and of itself, you will find that many people will appreciate your thoughts.

Music is my greatest form of expression.  Whatever I’m feeling, I can just sit down and play.  I don’t really play for others anymore; mostly it’s just me and my birds in my apartment, but it really works.  If you’ve never played a musical instrument before, it may take some time before you feel comfortable enough to play without music and just make something up.  When you finally take this step, though, It’s well worth it.

Reading is probably the easiest way to get your mind off of something.  If you can find a book to just emerse yourself into, there is nothing that beats that.  I highly recommend Ayn Rand.  TV Shows / Movies can be helpful in this area as well, but you need to be careful.  Don’t pick up Romance, and be careful with Drama.  Comedy and Action movies are good, though.  I recommed Monk, Firefly, Stargate, Serenity, and Scrubs.

A third thing you can do if you are preparing to be in a group of people is plan ahead the subjects you want to talk about, or the way you will greet people.  I always keep a mental list of topics in my head in order to avoid those nasty silences that seem to make anxiety grow exponentially, even if they are a part of normal conversation.

A good rule is to ask a lot of questions, although there are exceptions to this.  If someone is only answering with single word answers, it might be time to go talk to someone else.  This behavior completely mystifies me.  Questions should begin less personal, and only if it ‘feels’ right, should they move more personal.  Unless you know someone very well, stay away from philosophy, politics, and religion.  Of crouse, there are exceptions to this rule as well.  Your instincts are *usually* right, even if you believe otherwise.

I’ve been told that going for walks and similar activities can help with anxiety.  I’ve tried it, and they only make it worse.  You might have better luck, though.

My brain has gone blank, now, so I will leave you with that.  Good bye and Good Luck!

Personal psychology

I’ve been planning this post for about a week now, but have been going back and forth on whether to actually write this. The fate of this entry was sealed, however, this morning as I read an article that popped up on my personal Blog roll. I’ll admit it now, the article had me in tears at the horror we as a people have become. I will not be posting a link to this article, because it is not for the faint of heart.

I coined this term “beautiful ugliness” after reading a story over the weekend about the hypothetical ending of mankind – self destruction. This term fits because we often forget that even though we have a great capacity for good, we have an equal capacity for evil. Over the course of history, which has been exercised more often? It’s difficult to quantify, though I can give it a shot.

There were nearly six million jews killed during the Holocaust. Have we ever had the mass saving of six million people? There were nearly 200,000 people killed instantle when we dropped nuclear weapons on Japan. Communism has killed nearly 100 million people worldwide. How many people were killed from the crusades, or earlier empire building wars? Was it more people than were saved?

On a more personal level, I’ve lived a life of nievity, and will continue to do so. I do not purposely hurt anyone , nor do I ever plan to. I have a confession to make. Recent analysis over the last year indicates that I probably had Aspergers growing up which has turned into obsessive-compulsive disorder now that I’m in my twenties. Ergo, I am not normal, nor can I really comprehend what is normal because of my social isolation.

I’ve recently come to the realization that people are radically different than I think of them in my little idealized world. People can be vindictive, cold hearted, and cruel – on a personal level. I always thought that those who would willingly harm another were few, and tended to lead nations at some point in their lives. This is not the case.

When asked what kept people from committing murder, theft or other criminal acts, the response was overwhelmingly ‘the law.’ There is no concept of an underlying moral code one should live by; people think the government as the final say. This is a foreign idea to me, as I’m more likely to follow my moral code, even if it goes against the law.

With this in mind, it is surprisingly clear how the Germans allowed their country to systematically go about the annihilation of certain groups of people during the second world war.

In this sense, we are like children who have not yet reached adulthood and the responsibilities it entails. As a race, humanity has not yet grown into accountability and personal responsibility.

The worse part is that instead of getting better, we are getting worse. In todays world of instant gratification, things have been devalued so that nothing is sacred. Sex has become a marketing tool, or a way of casual entertainment. Religion is protrayed as full of extremists who wish to control you (and the portrayel is more often than not, correct).

I do not expect that I’ve been able to communicate successfully what I am trying to say here, but I could not let this simmer any longer. Humans are beautiful, and yet so ugly. We can do so much good, and sometimes we do, but we also have a great capacity for evil, and sometimes that capacity is realized. Finally, instead of things getting better, things are getting worse.

Note: If you think you can handle the article that set me off on this post, please email me and I will send you the link. Beware, once again, that it is not for those who do not want their idea of our society shattered.

Update: As I’ve gone back and reread this, It hardly communicates what I was trying to say.  I’m going to leave this up, however, and hopefully rewrite this someday to encompass exactly what I mean.

Personal Philosophy

I find it interesting that even today, Christianity has a “better than thou” attitude.  Here is an example of a law laid down in the old testament.  If a man rapes a woman, he must marry her, for he has violated her.

If a woman is accused of adultry, even without evidence, she will be brought before the priest for judgement. In this case it’s drinking water with dust from the *floor* in it, and if she gets sick, she’s guilty, and if not, she’s innocent.

Here are websites that better illustrate my point:

http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/14618.htm

http://www.thebricktestament.com/the_law/index.html

My personal belief is that the old testament laws no longer have any authority, but that is not what is taught today by many churches.  What is perhaps even worse is the history that these laws imply.

Sure, the Catholic Church have brought their share of problems, from the crusades, inquisitions, and beyond.  Other churches have as well.  But all of that pales in comparision to the injustice of some of these laws.

Am I judging God when I say that?  No, I’m judging the idiots who considered those to be God’s law.  Is that wrong of me?  Perhaps, but I’m not forcing you to agree with me.  I’m making a personal judgement and presenting it for you to draw your own conclusions.

Does anyone find it interesting that Jesus Christ’s entire purpose in life was to abolish those laws through his sacrifice on the cross?  It’s as plain as day.  Why would Jesus Christ need to have this purpose?

Would it be because these laws were not the will of God?

And yet, they are still treated as such.

The question must be posed: Did God’s will change with Christ’s death on the cross, or did mankind simply mess up when they wrote those laws?

Mainstream opinion is of the former.  I think it’s the latter.  Why?  Because the former basically says “Mankind has been perfect in interpreting God’s will in the past, but then he changed his mind.”

The latter says “God is perfect and had to take action to correct the fallibility of mankind.”

Which one has a higher chance of being correct?  I believe the second one is much more probable.  This conclusion begs to have the following question asked:

If we mucked it up so badly the first time around, how do we know we’ve not done it again?

I’ll leave you with that question, and I look forward to hearing your replies.

Personal change, christianity