sudo life

I’ve been reading the Chronicals of Narnia again while getting ready for the upcoming movie. It’s such an interesting experience, especially rereading about Aslan and the religious imagery he represents (Christ).

Even though they are just books, I feel a profound tug whenever Aslan appears in the story. C.S. Lewis wrote the character perfectly, in my opinion. Though it’s emberessing, I’ll admit to even shedding a few tears as I read, and the most amazing feeling causes goosebumps to rise on my arms and neck.

Why is this?

Religion has been and continues to be a tricky subject for me. Mainly because historical evidence does not support the mainstream idea of Christianity at all. Basically, the things you hear in church are many times contradictory, or fail to stand up to critical thought.

The fact of the matter is that religion (and specifically Christianity) is not what it was meant to be. Faith is supposed to be something that cannot be attacked or defended by definition (note the emphasis). Faith is not something based in fact; it is defined as belief that does not rely on logical proof or material evidence. It is completely personal and subjective. How can such a thing be attacked but with with other subjective ideas?

It’s sort of like arguing that a truck is either blue or purple.

By that same token, how is it possible to share faith since there is not any objective means of describing it? It’s like trying to tell someone what chocolate tastes like, or explaining exactly how a rose smells. You can attempt using general terms, but there is absolutely no way for someone to know what these things are until they experience them personally.

I guess that is part of what my problem with church is. It’s like a group of people gathered to discuss the intricies of how silk feels. Unless you have the ability to read minds, there is absolutely no way for a specific consensus to be be formed. Perhaps this is why there are so many contradictions in Christianity – people feel different things about it.

Let me bring up the most recent contradiction I’ve found, from the sermon on the mount.

“The Meek shall inherit the earth.”

Ok, there are several problems with those six words. First let me bring in the definition of meek:

Meek:

1. Showing patience and humility; gentle.
2. Easily imposed on; submissive.

I’m going to take a leep here and say that Jesus was refering to the first definition, although it could clearly be the second giving his direction to “turn the other cheek.” How many christians out there actually fit this definition? Wait, I am changing the subject, so maybe I will come back to that later.

The meek shall inherit the earth.

What in the world does that mean? I thought christians were supposed to leave earthy desires behind, but now we should be meek in the hope of someday gaining earth? So, here is what we will have. A bunch of people that do not stand up for themselves who get to run everything? How good of a plan is that? Those aren’t exactly leadership qualities.

But now we come back to what I started. What does it really mean to be a Christian leader? Christians are supposed to be humble, patient, submissive (turn the other cheek). Are those leadership qualities? Is there any business in the world that would succeed if their CEO personified those ideas? NO! How many christians out there actually follow this.

I made a comment about this to my friend Christine. Here is what I said:

“You know, I don’t think Jesus was joking when he told us to turn the other Cheek. Today, however, we have the religious right supporting the war on terrorism. Are we just going to conveniently forget that Jesus said this? Are we just going to say ‘Yeah, he said that, but he didn’t mean it?’ Because that’s exactly what we’ve done. ‘But we were attacked,’ is the cry the goes up. You know what? YOU CAN”T TURN THE OTHER CHEEK UNTIL YOU HAVE BEEN HIT ON THE OTHER ONE! I’m sure it hurts when you get slapped. Jesus was quite clear on what you were supposed to do.”

Actually, I guess what Christians seem to think is that Jesus said “Turn the other cheek, unless getting hit on the other one hurt, then kill the bloody bastard.”

Hmm, quit interesting interpretation there. I didn’t know Jesus was british, either.

Back to the original point for a summary. Faith is personal. There are parts of the Character of Aslan in the Chronicals of narnia that really say “Jesus Christ” to me. I don’t mean that in a sarcastic way.

Personal christianity

Well!  I just finished interpreting a dream I had last night using the techniques I’ve been reading about in Farraday’s book I mentioned a couple days ago.  The results, while not incredibly surprising, were very enlightening, and more than a little frightening.

The dream was a nightmare of sorts.  I say of sorts because it wasn’t your normal run of the mill nightmare filled with scary images and situations.  No, this was just about normal everyday people that I know, for the most part.  There were people in it that I did not know, but mostly it was people that I know, even if I haven’t seen them in several years.  There was even a few people from books I have read, which was really weird, but interesting never-the-less.  It was the things that happened that made it very frightening to me.

Here’s a couple things I learned:

1. I have a problem with authority figures.  I usually find them highly incompetent.  I knew this already, actually, but the fact that I dreamed about it, and what I did in reaction to it makes me think it’s a bigger issue that I usually think.
2. Something that occured in high school that I tried to overlook and deny is effecting me very badly even to this day.  It’s something I tried to ignore and forget, but it seems by subconscious is not as cooperative as I.
3. Shruti’s move effected me alot more than I am giving it credit.  This is something I’ve tried to deny, and thought I had succeeded, but as it turns out, I have not.  When Shruti left, I tried to downplay it as much as I could, and it had seemed to work.  Now I know that to bury those sort of things is very unhealthy and will come back to haunt you, just as this has.  If faced with the same situation, however, I do not know what I would do differently.

There were a few other things that I learned, some of them are very important, but are much too personal to post in a public forum.  All of the things are learned are quite obvious to me now, but at the same time, I do not know what to do about them.

I think I’ll meditate on these issues a little bit to see what comes to mind.  The only problem is that the last time I thought I was taking the right action, it turned out to be perhaps the worst thing I’ve ever done.  Perhaps I just did’t consider enough things, however.  This is still the best option I have, so meditation it will be.

I highly reccomend grabbing Farraday’s book Dream Power and reading it.  Even though I’m less than a quarter of the way through it, I’ve learned so much already, and am already able to put that knowledge to use.  It’s an extremely useful tool.

Until next time, so long, do well, win awards, and thanks for all the fish.  See you in the funny papers.

Personal dreams

It seems that I’ve become much more instrospective lately as a result of several mistakes I’ve made. Well, that isn’t completely true, because I’ve always been pretty introspective, but I’ve now I’m percieving a new perspective, and I’m not sure where it leaves me.

Recently my life has been full of extremes. When it comes to my future, professional life, hobbies, and such, I’ve been extremely successful – far beyond I had even hoped. But when it comes to my social life, I am an extreme failure.

First the good news. I’ve started making valuable contacts with people in the business world that are going to be very mutually beneficial in the future. I’ve implemented partial prototypes of a few of my products that have worked better than I had even hoped. I’ve gotten new ideas about doing things that have the potential for great increases in efficiency. I’ve found new tools that will enable me to be more productive in smaller amounts of time. I’ve gotten great feedback on the stories I”m writing. For the most part, people love the last painting I did. A few people have remarked how much they love my music. Things are going well.

The bad news. I have absolutely no idea how to interact with people when it comes to simple things like friendship. In this last week, I seriously endangered my closest friendship, while failing to even find any prospects for new friendships. I can’t communicate the things I should be able to communicate. I take the smallest thing and turn it into a complete rejection. Of course, there are reasons that I am this way, but those things are not easily fixed. I’m beginning to wonder if they are even fixable. Luckily, my friend forgave my stupidity, but will others be so forgiving? History tells me the answer is no; it’s what created the problem in the first place. Now i’m stuck in a loop of self fulfilling prophecies with no idea how to stop it.

It’s not like I’m not trying, either. I actually left my apartment yesterday in an attempt to meet people. As I left I mentally went over the things I would need to do. Ask alot of questions. Keep eye contact. Don’t merely hear the answers, but listen. Ask more questions based on their answers. All these things went through my head, yet I did none of them.

In the past I’ve asked alot of questions. The people I ask are usually either scared away, or give one word answers. God I hate one word answers. I just want to scream “I’m trying to learn about you, dammit!” I’m no better these days, however. I used to give explanations as answers, but the fact that i only recieve one word answers makes me think twice now. I have a rule. If I recieve a one word answer, then I will only give them as well. If you don’t want to tell me about yourself, and you don’t care if I give one word answers, there isn’t really a basis for friendship there anyway.

That’s a hard thing to realize. Someone I’ve been speaking to lately has been pounding the following into my head: The way people treat you is not a reflection of you, but a reflection of themselves.

That is a hard pill to swallow, and an even harder thing to put into practice. Am I really so different. Well, the answer to that is yes, I am. Where are the people that have opens minds enough to match my own? I accept nearly anyone.

I keep coming back to this issue of one word answers in my mind. Perhaps these things are just engrained in people, but I’m not so sure. They are not engrained in me, but I’ve spent a majority of my life alone, so the oppurtunities to have social practices engrained in me were few and far between. There are times that I embrace this time alone. There are an equal number of times that I curse it.

So where does that leave me? I really don’t know. I guess i’ll just keep picking away at life as I have been, and maybe some day, I’ll find my way.

In other news, I see that i’ve had quite a few posters in comments lately! Thanks guys for letting me know that someone is reading my thoughts! I hope to hear more from you!

Well, until next time, so long, do well, win awards, and thanks for all the fish. See you in the funny papers!

Personal

It seems that I’m faced with the toughest decision I’ve had to make yet in my life. Not even my decision to drop out was this big. Here’s what I’m facing. Do I stay in Kansas City, or do I attempt to purchase a home in Lebanon?

Personally, I like the Lebanon idea, but there are some problems. First of all, I don’t know anyone in Lebanon anymore, but it’s a semi quiet town that I could settle down into for a little while.

The problem is that I’ll be leaving Kansas City behind. Though I only have one friend that I really hang out with here, I can’t help but feel more than a little sad and anxious about this decision.  I haven’t even been hanging out with her very much, but she’s a busy person, so I understand.

I’m getting frustrated with the way things are going.  There are so many things about so called ‘normal’ life that I just don’t understand, or even know about.  All I can really do is live my life as I can and hope for the best. I see myself living alone in ten years, not really knowing anyone, and I don’t like that idea, but what can I do about it?  People either don’t like me right off the bat, for some unknown reason, or they treat me nicely, but have no desire to really become friends.

Lebanon might provide at least a little peace of mind.  Then again, it might be a terrible mistake.  If I did move there, I would be committing myself to living there for at least five years.  I can handle that, I think.

In the end, I know what I want, but I don’t know how to get there.  I guess I just keep hacking away at my life and hope for progress.

Once again, the older I get, the more Hermit like I become. What does this mean?

Personal

A couple things have happened recently that have led me back to considering my thoughts on God.  I reread a post of mine from several months ago, and while I still believe exactly what I’ve written, there are some other things that are still causing problems.

One such problem is that I’m very private about my beliefs, for two reasons.  The first is that religion is one of those things that when you talk about it, you can always expect some sort of disagreement.  While I can accept other people’s beliefs, I find overwhelmingly that they cannot accept mine.  This has led me to be a more private person, which is the second reason.  I value my privacy and my beliefs.

It is a paradox that while I value these things and desire to protect them, I really wish I could share them with others.  People don’t understand them, however, and I find that immensly frustrating.  I can pick up and understand what they are saying, but they do not desire to do this for me.  There are a few that try, but in the end, have given up.

What’s the point, really?

The mainstream idea of God is full of so many problems I can’t even begin to list them.  At the same time though, the mainstream is fully willing to be ignorant of those problems.  I have no desire for that sort of ignorance, so I worked around those problems.  The solution is elegant and beautiful, but it grinds people wrong.

Why is a thing so beautiful as this dismissed without a thought?

One possibility is that my idea of beauty is so skewed that others don’t recognize it the same as I.  I cannot, do not accept this, however.  There are several things that I find beautiful that others do as well.

So what’s the problem?

What do I have to do to accomplish the things that I need to accomplish?

I’m lost in a sea of confusion without a guide other than my own knowledge, wisdom and intuition.  Will they be enough?

If not, where does that leave me?

It’s frustrating when people do not understand me.  It’s even more frustrating when people have no desire to do so.  I go out of my way to learn new things and be exposed to new ideas.  God has made me who I am, but for what purpose?

My ideas are viewed as radical at the very least, insane at most.  Why has God made me this way?  What purpose does this serve?  Am I to be the laughing stock of those around me?  Am I relagated to the confines of comic relief?

I’m tired.  I desire sleep, but I’m to restless to let it overtake me.  I seek peace, but it escapes my grasp.

What am I to do?

Personal

It must be Wednesday.  Now that I’ve dropped out of school, Wednesday’s are the worse.  Why?  Because we are open here in the lab until 6:00 PM – an extra hour.  All well.  I’ll just keep on going.

Personal